Is being different okay?
This might be short, because I literally just woke up, but this post is largely going to be about me.
I am… not the best person out there, I think. And, lots of people think that. But, I do think I am a good contender. And, I don’t want to be.
Recently, my worldview was challenged by my boyfriend, extremely challenged. We got into a small fight over.. Autism. Sounds dumb, I know.
The fight began by me quickly shutting down the idea I was autistic, even though in the past I was quite open to such a world. He found this odd, and asked me why I think I wasn’t autistic.
“I’m not one of those kinds of people.” I thought. “I’m not like THAT.” I followed up with. Regrettably, I was thinking of low functioning autistic people. Whenever I met one, I always found them agitating…
And that’s not a good thing. I always had high standards for the kind of people that i spoke to, and yeah.. thats shit. But I believe it stems from as a kid I always looked up to EVERYONE around me, and I guess this habit carried over.
Anyway, back to the fight. I started getting more hostile— and I didn’t even realise. He told me he felt worried and unsafe in the conversation, and that snapped me back. Even though we were on call, I never want to make him uncomfortable.
I apologised. And then thought a little bit.
Why did I get so upset?
I never had anything like this before. And I guess I came up with this. I did not want to be seen as different, and I especially didn’t want to seem stupid. Which is incredibly hypocritical of me.
I always preached that my belief is; “there is no such thing as a ‘stupid’ person, just stupid actions. A truly stupid person is one who neglects knowledge at every road of chance.”
And, you can suppose… yes I am a stupid person right now. I avoided confronting myself on this. But.. Then I said “Well, I don’t have much symptoms.”
He listed a few, and embarrassingly, I felt called out. We ended the conversation with him pleading “please think about this” as we proceeded to chat about whatever characters we were interested in at the time (XD).
Im not able to say for certain, but… I guess I might be autistic. And, that’s just another trait I have. It’s okay to be autistic, and more broadly, it’s okay to need help. It’s okay. I hope you guys have a good day! Take care.